Julius!

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

CARPET BEARERS (2), togas,
JULIUS CAESARS, toga,
SENATORS CASCA, BRUTUS, CASSIUS AND ANTONY, togas,
CITIZENS (3), togas,
ROWMAN, t-shirt, jeans, hood tied on his back, large ‘Z’ in front,
REPORTER FLASH, full-sleeved checked shirt, sleeves rolled up, khaki trousers and front-open jacket, cameras and wires draped around neck, camera in hand
EDITOR, formals
SHAKESPEARE, hair ruffled, untidy shirt and trousers, mismatched shoes, Trinity medallion, sunglasses

Prelude

CHORUS or SOLO VOICEOVER (AMITABH BACHCHAN imitation)

Yeh hein Mr. William Shakespeare
Likhte hazaron cheezey without any fear
Likha pehle Hamlet, phir likha King Lear
All this tragedy left the audience in tears
Par inka likha editor ko pasand na aata
Jo bhi ye likhte kisi publisher ko na bhata
Ant me apne man me inhone li thani
Likhenge ek great speech by Mark Antony
Aaj bhi hein…aaj bhi hein pakre ye ummeed ki dori
“Don’t Lose Hope” is the moral of the story
Jisne seekha inse life mein kabhi bhi na jhukna
Is stage par milega bhaiyya… ummeed se dugna

Act I

Enter JULIUS CAESAR stage right up to mid-stage, and turns to stage right.

CAESAR Where’s my red carpet? No respect for us dictators these days!

Enter CARPET BEARERS, carrying red carpet, which they then place in front of CAESAR.

CARPET BEARER 1: Sir Ego-a-lot Dictatorial Services, sir. Services for the arrogant, obnoxious tyrant.

CARPET BEARER 2: Since 400 BC.

CAESAR walks on carpet across toward stage left. A CARPET BEARER answers his cell phone. They discuss something. Just as he is about to step out, CARPET BEARERS tug at carpet, almost making him trip.

CAESAR (angrily) What do you think you’re up to?

CARPET BEARER 1: Empress Cleopatra wants a carpet too, sir. It’s the peak season for our business.

They leave.

CAESAR (watching their backs) No respect for us emperors these days.

Enter CASSIUS, CASCA, BRUTUS.

JULIUS Casca, Brutus, Sissius!

CASSIUS (exasperated) It’s Cassius!

JULIUS All the same.

CASCA I say Caesar, is that a new crown?

CAESAR (carefully adjusting crown) As a matter of fact, it is.

CASCA slaps CAESAR soundly on his back. CAESAR stumbles.

CASCA Julius!

CAESAR Don’t hit me that hard! I’m the only emperor you have.

CASSIUS Not any more!

CASSIUS runs at CAESAR with knife, who dodges it.

CAESAR Bad aim, Fishius.

CASSIUS Cassius!

CASCA tries to stab CAESAR, who again steps away.

CAESAR Olé! This is fun!

BRUTUS runs towards CAESAR, who trips him.

CAESAR Et tu, Brute? Hopeless idiot. Can’t assassinate an emperor to save Rome! And to think you are a senator. No wonder the country is going to the dogs.

CAESAR takes dagger from BRUTUS, who has stood up.

CAESAR When you stab someone, Brute, you must do it so!

CAESAR readies to stab himself. Enter CARPET BEARERS.

CARPET BEARER 1: Wait, your highness!

CAESAR What now?

CARPET BEARER 2: Our tips, sir, before you die.

CAESAR checks his pockets.

CAESAR You guys got any change?

Conspirators shake their heads.

CAESAR Oh damn. Do you take cheques?

CARPET BEARERS nod.

CAESAR Good.

Signs and hands a cheque book to the CARPET BEARERS.

CARPET BEARER 1: Thank you, sir.

CARPET BEARERS run away.

CAESAR (behind their backs) And don’t overcharge!

CAESAR Back to business.

CAESAR stabs himself.

CAESAR It’s real! Oh damn, and I thought it was rubber or something. Then fall Caesar, oversmart emperor.

CAESAR falls down. Conspirators stand over his dead body.

BRUTUS I think he really is dead.

CASSIUS Who asked you to bring a real knife? We were only supposed to scare him, not murder him.

BRUTUS How was I supposed to know that–

CAESAR stands up and staggers, clutching at wound with one hand and searching his pocket with the other. Conspirators jump back.

CAESAR (bringing out a piece of paper) Tell him he was my greatest and most loyal friend.

(Hands paper to BRUTUS, who passes it on to CASSIUS)

BRUTUS For Mark Antony!

CAESAR (bringing out another piece of paper) Tell him to write something about me… and make it sound nice.

(Hands paper to BRUTUS, who passes it on to CASCA)

BRUTUS For William Shakespeare.

CAESAR (bringing out yet another piece of paper) Tell her I love her and she is the most beautiful, most adorable woman in the world.

BRUTUS For his wife – Calpurnia!

CAESAR No you fool, for Cleopatra.

BRUTUS Right. Of course. What do we tell you wife, then?

CAESAR Tell her she’s my life.

BRUTUS Well said.

CAESAR I hate my life!

CAESAR falls finally.

Act II

High platform, on which CASSIUS, CASCA, BRUTUS and MARK ANTONY are standing. A gathering of CITIZENS under them, talking amongst themselves.

ANTONY Friends ….

CITIZENS still talk among themselves.

ANTONY Romans ….

CITIZENS still talk among themselves.

ANTONY Countrymen ….

CITIZENS still talk among themselves.

ANTONY Free Matrix DVDs.

CITIZENS turn to him.

CITIZEN 1 Where?

ANTONY After the speech, if you promise to pay attention.

CITIZENS nod.

ANTONY (in a false American accent) So friends, Roman ....

Enter ROWMAN carrying an oar, followed closely by REPORTER FLASH. ROWMAN halts on the stage once in a while to smile broadly and pose for photos.

ANTONY Who’re you?

ROWMAN I am Rowman, Greatest Superhero since 50 BC.

ROWMAN draws a large Z on a piece of chart paper, Zorro style.

ANTONY If you’re Rowman, then why do you write Z?

ROWMAN The strokes are easier. Let’s see you write an R with a sword on concrete.

ANTONY You don’t have a sword. Just a marker.

ROWMAN Well, I ordered the sword through Roman Sky Shop. They’re delivering a bit late, I think.

ANTONY When did you order it?

ROWMAN On the Ides of March.

ANTONY On the what?

ROWMAN Fifteenth March. Some Antony you turned out to be!

ANTONY And some superhero you are. That was just yesterday. Have patience. Your sword will get here.

ROWMAN Well excuse me, but I was talking about the fifteenth of March last year, I’ve paid in full and it’s still not here.

ANTONY You should write to the agency, I think.

ROWMAN Yes I wrote to them and told them to deliver it soon our I’d make banana chips out of them with my new sword.

ANTONY And what did they say?

ROWMAN They reminded me I don’t have a sword.

ANTONY Don’t mean to be rude or anything, but I don’t need a superhero right now.

ROWMAN You might. Those guys wearing the bath towels look pretty nasty.

ANTONY Those are not bath towels. And how do you propose to save me?

ROWMAN Very simple procedure. First, I sing my theme song (with oar)

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
If you want me to rescue you
Don’t forget to scream.

Aaah!

ANTONY How tremendously inspiring.

ROWMAN Thank you.

ANTONY But I really don’t need a superhero right now, you know.

ROWMAN Fine then. Keep my card. (Takes out card from pocket and reads it aloud)

Rowman Superhero Services. For all forms of distress, danger and Devilry. I will protect your life for only $29.99. Special DSF offer. Save the World at discount rates and enter the Superhero Raffle Draw.

ROWMAN (face stage right) Good bye, amigos.

ROWMAN runs off stage with reporter following him.

ANTONY Well then, as I was saying, I come not friends to steal away your hearts.

CITIZEN 1 You better not. And definitely not our pockets.

ANTONY My heart lies there with Caesar.

CITIZENS applaud.

ANTONY As also the three Dollars twenty five Cents he owes me.

CITIZEN 2 Cheapskate!

CITIZEN 3 Politicians! What do you expect?

ANTONY Well how much do you think Caesar paid us Senators anyway?

CASSIUS Not much, I can tell you.

ANTONY (with an approving nod at Cassius) Thank you…

Cassius beams.

ANTONY …Saucius.

CASSIUS It’s Cassius!

ANTONY Whatever. Now back to business. So where was I? Oh yes, isn’t that obvious?

ANTONY I come not friends to steal away your…

CITIZEN 1 We’ve heard that one before.

ANTONY Oh really? Where’s my second page. Right, there it is!

Brings out a flapping piece of paper.

ANTONY Caesar leaves to all of you seventy-five Drachmas.

CITIZENS cheer.

Enter AGENT SMITH.

SMITH Good morning, Mr. Antonius.

ANTONY Who’re you?

SMITH I’m Smith. Agent Smith.

ANTONY You mean to say that heartless, renegade, bloodthirsty character from the Matrix who turns everyone into mindless clones of himself? I’m not afraid of you!

SMITH I’ve changed my profession. I’m worse now.

ANTONY What could be worse than a heartless, renegade, bloodthirsty character from the Matrix who turns everyone into mindless clones of himself?

SMITH I’m a financial expert.

ANTONY walks backwards, trembling. The CROWD walks backwards, now huddled close.

ANTONY Stay away. Back. Shoo! Guards! Soldiers!

SMITH I’m here to inform you that the Roman Drachma has fallen in the market. Seventy-five Drachmas is not enough to buy a packet of buttered popcorn.

ANTONY What?

SMITH Well, may be unbuttered. Good bye.

Exit SMITH.

CITIZENS There goes our money!

ANTONY So you don’t want to fight for Caesar anymore?

CITIZENS shake heads.

ANTONY No rebellion?

CITIZENS shake heads.

ANTONY No burning cities? Vast wastelands? No tales of untold barbarism and inhumane misery? No Devilish intrigue, no long Latin words, no tremendously Shakesperean grammar?

CITIZENS think for some time, whisper, then shake heads.

ANTONY Damn!

Act III

EDITOR No way! Unacceptable. I can’t publish this.

SHAKESPEARE But sir, this is historical fact.

EDITOR What do you mean fact? Will, this won’t sell. Who wants to read about a…a… stupid senator who couldn’t manage a rebellion?

SHAKESPEARE But sir, this is the real story. Untouched. Honest and original.

EDITOR But Will, this is so… boring. Bring in a twist… you know, something… spin… you know… spice… masala.

SHAKESPEARE You want an Item Number by Cleopatra?

EDITOR Will! I want this to be part of English literature, not the Bollywood Hall-of-Fame! Now go edit it and make it better.

SHAKESPEARE gets up and salutes.

SHAKESPEARE Yes Boss!

Exit SHAKESPEARE.

EDITOR Crazy hippy, that kid! Look at his dress! I hope he makes it a play people remember.

SHAKESPEARE pokes out head, curtain right.

SHAKESPEARE You sure about the Item, Boss?

EDITOR Shakespeare!

SHAKESPEARE Sorry boss. Just thinking of the options.

NARRATOR And the rest, as they say, is forty marks of Social Studies.

FINIS.